Spike 0, Maytag 5
by cagd
Summary: Spike vs. the Harris washing machine. To be read as a monologue with or without sound effects.


_Doesn't do a thing around here, who's payin' for the bloody plasma,_ I'll show you! _Bloody useless, lazy bastard, mooch,_ I'll show you who's the... 

Fabric softener?

What the hell is it supposed to do? It was on the shelf above the washer, so it must be for washing.

The label says it "makes your clothes soft"...bollocks!

Fabric's soft, but these trousers are gettin' a little crusty around the cuffs now that neither Dru nor Harm's no longer 'round to do the washin' up. Might need it. Might need a lot of it. Seen Buffy's mum use it when peekin' in windows looking for an edge...

_Right!_

These things also use soap, don't they?

_Bloody hell, What kind of a house is Xander's mum keepin'?_ There's something called "Tide Laundry Detergent" in a box on the shelf over the washing machine and it's empty. Don't know what detergent is think it's some kind of soap. Hell, Tide! They advertise the stuff all the time during "Passions", so it has to be soap because "Passions" is a soap opera. Where's the soap in this filthy house? There's a bottle over by the dirty dishes. Says "Dove, for Dishes".

Soap's soap - even if it comes in a bottle and says you wash dishes with it._ Washing's washing._ It'll do! _The more the better, how about half the bottle because the shirt's got stains in it?_

Where'd I put that bloody fabric softener..._Hell! I put it down on the floor and now the bugger's floated away under the couch bed because that lazy bastard Xander won't fix the pipe that the earthquake broke when I told him to._ He had the bloody cheek to tell _me_, the _Big Bad_, to_ fix it myself _if I didn't like it leakin' all over my sleepin' couch._ Get back here you sod!_

_Phew!_ Smell's like a brothel. No, smells like Darla only with more personality. Says here on the bottle, "Use 1/4 cap for best results".

_Where the hell's the soddin' cap?_

Cap, cup, what's the diff? I'll use a coffee cup instead.

God, this place's a mess, every fucking cup down here has something green in it and it ain't money. Hope Monkey Boy wants that mold farm. _Like to see the look on his face when he find's out I've offed one of his best friends._

_Bloody Hell!_ I didn't know coffee came in chunks. Sink's broken like the pipe what's dribblin' all over my bed which Xander won't fix even when I ordered him to only the sink's dry as a bone. Hell, use that leak in the ceiling, the one over my sleeping couch what's soaking everything that he refuses to fix, to rinse the scum out.

Now, what did that bottle say?

_If 1/4 a cap's good, a whole mug's better._ In you go pet!

Brilliant, I'll save time and put everything in at once.

What does "dry clean only mean"? How the bloody soddin' hell can you clean something without water? In you go too!

Is that a dollar bill wedged down in the bottom of the tub thing? _Special Ed.'s loss, my gain!_

Clang!

_Bloody he..., damned lid just fell and landed on me head!_ Thought the chip was bad, but this is a close second! Think I'll sit down until the stars go away. Wonder if this is what Dru, _the bitch_, sees all the time?

Clothes off, clothes in. Why the hell am I standin' 'round in my skivvies and socks? Put them in too and get it over with. Whew, 's been a while since Dru was 'round to wash these!

In you go lads; don't bother to write!

You know, it's gettin' a bit cold down here.

_What are you starin' at puss?_

Hey! You! _Bastard machine!_ I put the soap in you, I put the softener in you, so why aren't you working? _I'm still the Big Bad and I order you to get on with it!_

The button, that says "on". Think I need to push it? What's this one that says "cold/cold" next to the one that says "hot/cold" and the one that says "hot/hot". I'm cold, "hot/hot" might heat the place up. "Hot/hot" it is. Push the one what say "on" and...

I hear water running.

Is this a good thing?

Now it's making all those sloshing noises, which means it's working, right?

_God it's cold in here!_

Wish the idiot would fix that leak over my sleeping couch, it's getting soaked.

_Bloody Hell! Where are all those soddin bubbles comin' from? The last time I saw this much foam was when Dru ate a bar of soap and washed it down with champagne! _ I only put half the bleedin' bottle of dish soap in the damned thing. It's everywhere! _Aaaaaargh, thud whoosh_! Now the lid's flipped open and the blasted machine's spewin' water everywhere and the floor's coated in bubbles - was half a bottle way too soddin much? God my head hurts and I didn't even get the joy of hitting anyone to bring it on!

Why did they have to put the cat box _there_ of all places where someone can fall in it?

_What are you starin' at, puss?_ Beat it, mousebreath!

I'm covered in bubbles, lint and floor dirt...uh oh. Why is the washing machine now rocking in all directions and making that terrible thudding noise? Did I do somehting wrong? Why is it trying to hurl itself across the floor at me? _Holy crap, get out of the...floor's too slick to make any speed...help!_

...wait, wait, I've heard of this, Buffy's mum once said the washer was "unbalanced" - like Dru. I saw her lift the lid, move things about and the noise stopped.

_Godddamsonofabitchbloodyhell!_ That thing tried to kill me, lit'rally tried to rip me soddin' arm off and throw me against the wall. _The bloody thing's possessed!_

Wait, wait, it's slowing down. I think it's cycled through.

I'm cold, think I'll steal some of Xander's clothes, not that it'll do me any good seein' as I don't have any body hea...Oh. My. God.

I am _not_ wearing that. Who picks out this boy's clothes? His _mother_? With her eyes poked out with a sharp stick during a solar eclipse?

I'll just continue on me merry way, "regimental" and "Full Monty" thankyouverymuch.

_Get away from me, puss!_

The bloody machine just squats there like a gr'ick demon, all big mouth, waiting to devour me.

Well, my clothes are clean, _I'll show you who's useless 'round here!_

They're clean but they're soaking.

Oh God, when will this end? _One of these days I'll dig up the Initiative with me bare hands, rip out it's windpipe and beat it senseless with the messy end for this!_

Clothes dryer.

Loads in front.

Has one button and a dial.

Button is for "on". Dial another story.

All sorts of options, well, they're pretty wet, the clothes, I mean. There's a setting that says "Extra dry".

Toss 'em in.

Buffy's mum uses a "Bounce" sheet. Here's a box. Learned me lesson on "More is Better". Best just put in a half sheet. Close door, push button, easy.

God I'm cold.

Hey, the top of the dryer's all warm and comfy and has a fluffy towel on it.

_Beat it puss_, I'm bigger than you, you fat orange furball. I'm sittin' on top of...sayyyyyyy, you know, a bloke could get to likin' this, all that warmth on the wrinklies and sausage comin' up from below.

Bloody hell, must have dozed off, this thing has a buzzer on it! _Get off me puss! _

Speakin' of wrinklies, these are all wrinkly.

What did this thing do to my clothes?

The tag in the back of the shirt says, "Iron".

I can do that. Not completely useless, you know.

Plug in the soddin' iron. The board's already out...

Hang on a minute, "Passions" is on. _Can't miss this one!_ I'll do this later.

_Bloody hell_, but my sleeping couch is soggy, the twit better fix that broken pipe. I'll sit on the couch bed. Beat it puss, this is my end of the couch!

What's that burning smell?

Aowwww, _shit_! Left the soddin' iron face down in the middle of the back of me best shirt and burned a hole clear through! _Xander, I'll kill you for this!_

Fine then. I'll just be wrinkly and it will be all Buffy's fault that I'm all wrinkly.

Hang on.

My bum's too big.

_No, my soddin' trousers have shrunk!_

You couldn't even get flat arsed Darla in these! And my shirts, what happened to my shirts?

_I can't go 'round like this!_ I'll have to steal the geek's clothes after all.

_God Damn!_ And my smokes and lighter were in the hip pocket so I can't even smoke until Xander buys me a new pack and my lighter wick dries out.

Does dickweed even _have_ any grown-up clothes? I don't see any here. This sucks!

_No puss, I don't want to feed you_. I want to eat you but the soddin' chip won't let me. Go crap in Xander's shoes instead of mine for once, why don't you?

Oh god, this is humiliaing.

I'm wearing khaki shorts that a even a gay Scout Master would turn his nose up at.

I'm wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

My knees are hanging out above me boots like a pair of bloody china doorknobs on a pair of stilts.

I look like a complete and total wanker. Don't look at me!

Somebody's going to _pay_ for this with their lives, soddin' chip or no.

Go_ away_ puss!

Xander, this is all your fault. When you get back from delivering overpriced bread dripping with melted cheese, _you owe me new clothes. Buffy, as soon as I get this soddin' chip out of my head I will set your house on fire after nailing all the doors and windows shut with you in it like I should have done two years ago in the first place because it's all your fault that I'm in this mess! You told the Initiative all about me..._what?

Hang on, the cat just disappeared, the damned hairball hacker always does a runner when the Rebel without a Clue come home._ Bloody hell_, here he comes down the stairs, home from work and I can't hide.

_I'll get you for this some day Buffy, mark my words!_


End file.
